Things I Had to Unlearn Before I Could Let go of My Clutter

Like many of you reading this, I have always had a tendency to hold on to things.  Especially sentimental things, books, clothes, furniture, gadgets and paper.  Okay, pretty much everything.  When I was 30 years old, I still had most of the clothes I had ever owned and I had over 1000 books.  Out of an questioned need to document my life, I was accumulating photo albums and souvenirs at an alarming rate. I had outgrown all my storage. In my journey to letting go of the stuff I'd collected I had to “unlearn” lots of habits and beliefs that wouldn't allow me to let go of things peacefully.  Here are a few of the things I personally had to unlearn so that I could experience the freedom of living with less stuff.

UNLEARNING - My need to take responsibility for the ultimate fate of the things I own – as if they were people and had feelings. This is what I now call  the “earth mother” syndrome.  I couldn’t let go of things unless I knew they were going to good homes where someone really needed them.  I couldn’t throw anything away that was still in good usable condition.  (Kind of like leftovers.  I couldn’t throw away food unless it was already rotten.)  Once things were destroyed, it was a lot easier to put them in the trash. 

I even kept a lot of broken things thinking I would fix them someday.  I have to admit, I still have broken watches and necklaces in my jewelry box but I'm working on it. : )

I unlearned this belief to some extent by learning how to donate and give things way like a pro!  But there are things you can’t donate, so I had to make peace with the fact that sometimes I have to throw away things that still “work” simply because no one wants them and I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE for the fate of all things.  Things do not have feelings and ultimately, everything has to return to the dust it came from. It's only a question of when.  Somethings have to be sacrificed so that I can have a home I love being in.

UNLEARNING - My fear that if I got rid of things I would never be able to replace them. This one was really hard to get over because some things truly can’t be replaced.  The solution for me was to question the fear itself.  I had to ask “So What?”  People and my time can't be replaced either! So what if an item can’t be replaced?  Does that mean I won’t be able to go on living?  Will my life be irreversibly damaged?  I will simply have to suck it up and get used to the fact that the item is no longer available and fill the need in some other way or just learn to live without it. 

It’s amazing how we as human beings can adapt to whatever life throws our way.  For me, I had to unlearn this belief that just because something can't be replaced it's importance is magnified. By practicing this thought process over and over, like an exercised muscle, I’ve gotten so much stronger. I still have thoughts like this from time to time, but now I stop myself, dismiss them quickly and let go.

UNLEARNING - My feeling that things I owned were a part of me and if I let them go I was letting go of all the hopes, dreams and feelings I had when I was still using those things.  It may sound weird but I honestly felt that by letting go of a book I had read, I would also be letting go of the experience of reading the book and in some weird way, what I learned from the book would be gone too.  In effect, I'd be losing a part of my identity.

In my defense, I actually do have a tendency to forget the past.  My personality type is ENTP - creative, sentimental, interested in many things, spontaneous and future-oriented.  A personality type shared by many people who are disorganized and have a lot of clutter. 

I’m always thinking ahead, and tend to take a long time to recall trivial things like the names of movies I’ve seen and titles of books I’ve read. Keeping things was a way of remembering what I'd done and staying connected to who I used to be.  I was an idealistic teenager of the 70's who wanted to make the world a better place and didn’t want to become part of the bureaucratic machine. I swore I would never lose touch with that part of myself. I didn’t want to grow up to be just another cog in the wheel of the machine of industry. 

What I finally realized was that, as you can see, that part of me was so strong I could never forget that. It IS me. After letting go of so much of the stuff, I realized that I will always remember the truly important things that shaped me and make me who I am today.  Whatever I do forget was probably not important anyway.  Keeping so much stuff actually makes it harder to distill your experience because you are so mired in the volume of stuff that the important lessons have a harder time rising to the surface! 

Eventually, I adopted a kind of “So What?” attitude toward forgetting!  We are designed to forget things for a reason!  Let’s face it, why do we have to have to remember every detail of our past?  Who really cares?  What’s really important to remember about the life you’ve lived anyway?  Is it really important what the date of that trip to Disney World was?   Or is it more important to become the best person you can be and make a contribution to society and the world?   

Clarifying my values and looking at my things with a fresh perspective required a lot of “unlearning” the drive to document every aspect of my life.  Not to say that I don’t still take photographs or acquire souvenirs when I travel, etc. But I do take far fewer photos, and sometimes my only souvenir of a trip is a postcard.  I no longer spend time creating a museum of my life.  Time that I could be spending learning, writing, traveling, helping people suffer less or even just relaxing. If I can spend contribute more to the world by writing.  Isn’t that a much more valuable legacy that a photo album or a collection of stuff? 

I hope you enjoyed my first post here and find this inspirational in questioning your own attachment to things that clutter up your space and drain your time and energy.

Many heartfelt thanks to Dwayne Melancon for his encouragement in writing this post and for introducing me to JJL!  And also to Rosa Say for her incredibly warm, loving spirit and boundless patience in waiting for me to finally post something here!

Wishing you many blessings and much peace.

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Ariane Benefit, M.S.Ed is an organizing consultant who specializes in helping people create the homes & offices of their dreams!  She guides people in clarifying priorities and making the difficult decisions needed to conquer clutter, change habits, and take charge of their lives. She is the author of the Neat & Simple Living blog at blog.neatandsimple.com  and you can get her free e-book at www.neatandsimple.com!

Comments

[Rosa Say]

Oh my goodness Ariane, so that’s what you call this problem I have always had – earth mother syndrome!

If I dared to take a picture of the very room in which I now sit as I write this, the entire world would instantly know the gift Dwayne gave me when he introduced us. (And my entire house looks like this room ... so does my office on Oahu ...) I have been reading your Neat and Simple Living Blog since that fortuitous day Dwayne wrote me about it, and I am making such blessed progress! I am clasping my hands in sweet relief now that you are here with us at JJL too —welcome!

[Joanna Young]

Wow, Ariane, what a wealth of learning there is here! I love the way you've gone back and distilled the learning you had to do in order to make such amazing progress.

I've done a lot of downsizing in recent years so I don't have too much stuff - but by nature I'm fairly cluttered and untidy (and please don't ask me to get rid of my books!)

I'm intrigued by the comment you have about writing, maybe as a way of distilling but also of passing things on... interesting - I hope we can explore this further sometime ;-)

I'm looking forward to reading more of your work, both here and on your own site

Best wishes

Joanna

[Steve Sherlock]

Welcome, Ariane!

We have moved a few times but not in the last 12 years so I guess it is time to order a dumpster and loosen up some of what has accumulated. Thanks for the prompting.

Honk! Honk!

[Dwayne Melancon]

Excellent learning for all of us packrats out here. I wish it were as easy to buy a larger house as it is to buy a larger hard drive...
Where's Google House when you need it?

Thanks for sharing this wonderful perspective with us, Ariane!

[Chris Owen]

Ariane Welcome!
Firstly I'm delighted at more encouragement here at JJL about the importance of unlearning. I'm really enjoying this.
Secondly this particular post is about to be printed and given/read to a client of mine with OCD who endlessly struggles to keep her hoarding from overwhelming her.
I think your points will be very resonant for her.
Much appreciated and again WELCOME!

[dave]

Stop! Now, put the organizing wand down and slowly back away from my books... :-)

Ariane, you know what? You are rich beyond comprehension. It's not money bulging the vault door outwards, it's experience. Each picture that you've taken and each page that you've written have been deposits in your bank account of experience.

Now, guess what your writing is. It's withdrawals. Perhaps you can unlearn the piles of photo albums or journals, but don't unlearn or devalue the practice of doing what you did. Because of what you did, you will be more able to enrich and make a difference in the lives of your readers.

Anyone out there who is familiar with Julia Cameron see where I am going with this?

[Rosa Say]

Too funny... Dave and Joanna, you have written what I am quite sure 99.999% of us who write for and read JJL were thinking ...

ANYTHING BUT MY BOOKS!

[Karen Wallace]

Welcome Ariane! It is a show day holiday here today, so I was a little late to the party - but I have my party pants on and I am ready to dance with joy to have you here at JJL!

I really resound with your writing about clearing the clutter and junk out of our lives to make room for what is truly important to us - this is something I have been trying to do for a long time (and still need all the help I can get!) I really look forward to reading more of your writing.

There was one thought on my mind as I read through your post, though, that eventually had me laughing out loud as I read the comments - Not My Books!!!

You did know that JJL is actually a front for book-addicts-anonymous didn't you?

[Chris Owen]

OMG Yes!
I'll happily agree to all kinds of things on the decluttering front!
But DON'T go near my books either!!!!!

[tim]

Ariane - Welcome to the team.

You've entered the fray with a superb post. I tend to hold on to a ton of stuff (literally) because I don't think I could ever replace it...even if I don't need it.

What a vicious cycle.

Looking forward to working together!

[Ariane Benefit, Neat & Simple Living]

I'm so blown away by your warm and wonderful welcome! I know exactly how you feel about your books! Don't worry!!! No one has to get rid of ANYTHING. It's all about distinguishing what's serving you and what isn't. What's in your way, and what's enriching your life. Lots of things, like books, enrich your life.

Books only have to go 1) when you aren't taking care of them, 2) when they are in your way and keeping you from being able to move forward (like what happened to me) or 3) when they could be moving on to enrich someone else's life because you have gotten what you need from them.

And by the way, I didn't get rid of ANY of my photo albums...I just slowed down the accumulation to a reasonable level.

There. Your treasured and beloved things an hereby deemed NOT CLUTTER and SAFE from elimination! : )

:::::backing away from the books::::::

[April Groves]

We must be separated at birth! I am sure I have the pack rat gene deeply intertwined into my DNA.

I keep the broken and the sentimental. The worst is the clothing memorials - those clothes I owned two babies ago :)

You have a wonderfully warm style and I can "hear" you when I read your words. I am glad you are here!

[Joanna Young]

Hi Ariane

Thanks for the follow up reassurance about our books! I found this a really helpful comment - not just about books about other things too.

"It's all about distinguishing what's serving you and what isn't. What's in your way, and what's enriching your life"

I can see you're someone who can help us get right to the point :-)

Joanna

[Ariane Benefit, Neat & Simple Living]

Thank you April and Joanna! I'm so looking forward to getting to know you guys! I can tell you are deep thinkers and care a lot. After all, those of us who keep too much are usually the ones who care deeply about a lot of things. Can't wait to read more your work too!