Unlearn Who Your Children Were

I read this terrific post over on a friend's blog this evening, and I had to pop over and blog about it here on JJL. She writes, in part, about text chatting with her daughter for the very first time:

I've known my daughter for all her 15 years of life. At least I thought I did. Our pattern of conversation and communication has been set in that time and we have become used to our method of relating together as mother and daughter.

Text chat exposed me to her wit and intelligence like no other form of communication has thus far. For the first time I felt like I was communicating not with my "child" but with a new "friend"...a person of maturity and wisdom. If we had met online as strangers I would have assumed this girl was much older than I know she actually is.

She goes on to assure us that she does not intend to replace her face-to-face relationship with her daughter in some uber-modern craze of text-based chatting, but it brings up an interesting point. And not just about our children, but about all the people whom we love the most. Sometimes knowing someone longer can actually get in the way of knowing them more fully today.

Of course, there's no substitute for the long years spent together that form those most permanent human bonds. Husband, wife, child, parent. But it's worth taking a step back sometimes and consciously trying to see those people in a whole new light. You know who they were, who they have been. But are you absolutely sure you are seeing the full depths and richness of who they are today?

It's especially true for children because they are changing so fast, growing from children into adults right before our eyes. No one wants to forget the young, beautiful children these people once were. I'm not suggesting we should. I doubt we could even if we wanted to.

But at some point, like it or not, those children must become memories—not forgotten, but at least unlearned, disconnected from this present moment—in order to allow the young, beautiful teenagers or adults they are today to love us... and to be loved by us for themselves.

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EM Sky is an author of fantasy and science fiction. She blogs about books and interviews other authors on Straight from the Barrel..., and she posts monthly book reviews in her newsletter, Wet Ink... .

Comments

[Rosa Say]

This is so very true EM, and yet there are many times I feel like we parents are the ones that are changing the most, especially in the realm of technology. It is so natural for our kids, but for us it is true learning, and in that learning, we do become different than we were.

[EM]

LOL. Another friend of mine has a great post about that: http://halspacejock.livejournal.com/35869.html

[Joanna Young]

Hello EM

Your piece reminds me of an experience I had a few years ago when I read something my son had written for a student magazine. I was astonished at his ability to write, but more than that, his ability to write about things that were really important, to move his readers - to tears, to passion, to action. It allowed me to look at him in a new light. As you say - it's part of the process of us unlearning one set of relationships, one view we have of our children, and learning how to see them again as young adults, as people with whom we can, must, will forge new and different (and wonderful) relationships.

Joanna

[EM]

Thank, Joanna! This is a lovely story. I feel like my own folks have done a terrific job in doing that for me--seeing me for who I really am as time moves on.

I was actually on Internet radio this morning, and the only way my mother could hear what was going on was to call the direct access number because she was having trouble with the Internet download. When she called in, everyone could hear her, as if she were one of the guests! LOL.

They asked her who she was, and I just said, "Hi, Mom." She told me what had happened (still live, on the air), and I invited her just to stay on the call and listen in. So she stayed on the entire call that way, just listening, and I wasn't uncomfortable in the least.

Some people might think that sounds "unprofessional," but the show got its highest ratings ever.

And since I know she sees me for who I am today, I was completely comfortable having her there on the line, knowing that she was just listening because she wanted to know what was going on. She wanted to hear her daughter on the air and wanted to listen to the show. Not to judge or criticize or even analyze--just to listen.

I see the value in that in my own life, and it makes me want to do that for my children too, so I can be just as close to them when they grow up. So they will know they can always trust me to listen to them openly and to be impressed by them. And to see them in the very best light for who they really are.