Anxiety Writes the Script

I love Rosa’s title for this forum: Joyful Jubilant Learning.

Most of my learning (and perhaps I’m not alone in this!) has not been from books, nor courses, but from Life itself.  Events that paint a picture.  Failures that teach me what not to do next time.  Successes that teach what works.  Conversations that  help me ‘join the dots’ and nurture new ideas.

It was one of these conversations last year that joined some strands of my reading and reshaped my thinking completely.  It came from an unexpected source.  It also served up a large dose of parental guilt, something us Gen X-ers are prone to.  I’m over that now, but the lesson itself stuck.

When Youngest Son was 4, we recognized his theatrical talent and joined him up with a children’s drama class.  We would take him up the stairs to his room for the six weeks he went, and leave him in the capable hands of the teacher. Then whichever one of us was on taxi duty that day would retire to a downstairs room to drink coffee and read a book while we waited.  Youngest Son didn’t enjoy these experiences – didn’t warm to the class - so after six weeks we stopped taking him.

Last year when he’d turned 7, he brought up the subject of those 60-minute drama classes.  And he began to articulate some of the separation anxiety he had been feeling at the time.  The comment that gut-punched me was this: “Daddy, I was so scared.  I thought that you had been killed in a car accident.”

While I had been comfortably sitting down stairs, nearby but out-of-sight, his little mind had created this entire scenario in which he’d lost me forever.

Here’s what I learned and the difference that conversation has made in my life since:

1. I recognize my human bias toward filling in the blanks.

Consider this sentence: then Martha opened up the door, only to be confronted by a terrifying green ___________.

Can you keep reading without filling in that blank space? I couldn’t. I’d have to know what Martha was confronted by, so I’d insert my own conclusion: Martian, dragon, wall of mildew… anything that gave me closure!

When I can’t see where my next contract or client is coming from, it’s natural for me to assume that my marketing and hard work is achieving nothing. I might even give up just before the major breakthrough because of my assumption.

When someone is not answering my emails, I might fill in that silence with thinking that they are rejecting me, or offended by my ideas or consider me irrelevant.

Recently at my children’s school, the school council sacked the Principal. In the wake of this, when asked by parents to provide a reason for the dismissal, they refused.  This resulted in terrible rumours flourishing amongst the parent body, rumors that threatened to severely damage the man’s reputation. Because I had facilitated coaching and P. D. work within the staff - and because I had often sat with the ex-Primcipal and listened to his challenges his hopes his philosophies - I knew without a shadow of the doubt that these rumors were untrue.

But the other parents did not. They filled in the blanks the best they knew how.

In the absence of truth, lies flourish. In the absence of information, anxiety writes the script.

The human bias is to fill in blanks, usually with erroneous ideas.

2. When I’m aware of my bias, I do my best to suspend judgment.

When the person’s not answering my emails, I now find my self-talk changing from “They don’t like me or my ideas” to “Maybe the e-mail got swallowed up by their anti spam software”.

Or I simply tell myself that I just can’t see what’s happening or what’s around the corner, so there’s no point making something up and believing that it’s reality.

3. I’ve made it my goal to communicate more clearly with my children.

Realizing that other people - particularly those most precious to me - usually do the same (i.e. allow anxiety to fill in the blanks in their information), I do my best to remove those blanks from my communication. 

With my kids, I’ve stopped asking “Do you understand?”, in favor of “What do you think I just said/meant?”.

I offer my reasons for setting certain standards or rules.

When I’m communicating something I want them to remember, I remove as much unnecessary language as possible:

“When you’re home with Grandma, don’t open the door to anyone, no matter who it is; ask her to answer the door.”

is far better than

“When Mom and Dad have to go shopping or to a meeting – even though we hate leaving you home – we know Grandma is looking after you well.  But she can only do this if you remember that you must never answer the door when someone knocks, no matter who it is.  Not even if it’s someone in a uniform. Not even if it’s a priest, a charity worker, a policeman, a friend of Dads, a friend of Mom’s, a friend of yours …Grandma’s a grownup, she knows the difference between stranger dangers and good people. one day you will too but for now just let her answer the door.  Do you understand?”

That kind of overkill begins to create blanks all of its own, usually blank stares.

Where are you allowing anxiety to write the script in your life?

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Post author Peter Aldin is founder of Great Circle Life Coaching. For over a decade, he has provided coaching, workshops and training to assist people in sharpening up their personal and professional relationships and communication. Visit Pete’s two online projects at www.freakedoutfathers.com and www.greatcircle.com.au.

Comments

[Steve Sherlock]

"When I’m aware of my bias, I do my best to suspend judgment."

How true that is, Pete!

Sometimes, like when we go to a movie, we walk into the dark and willing suspend our disbelief. If the movie is good, it will hold our attention. If the movie is less than good, we begin to notice the little things that perhaps we wouldn't have if the movie really held our attention. Why do the actors/actress get away without ever having to go to the bathroom or take care of some of those daily personal actions we all need to perform.

But most other times, we are not conscious of our bias. When it is there, and we do not acknowlege it, it controls our thoughts and our actions.

awareness of your biases (and there are good and bad ones, that's okay) is the key.

[tim]

Pete - thanks for pointing out the power of self talk in keeping us from achieving our best. I know that I'll often have to interrupt the conversation that I'm having with myself (perhaps I need therapy!) to stop the negativity that so easily invades the inner dialogue.

Often the greatest barrier to me making a difference in the world is...me.

[Rosa Say]

This is such terrific coaching Pete, and I LOVE your title: Anxiety writes the script is getting added to my arsenal of phrases that truly capture our language of intention.

[Pete Aldin]

@ Rosa: maybe I should get that phrase into a book title and get it out in time for Xmas! Thanks for giving me a topic which stretched me (not bad coaching, yourself!)

@ Tim: "interrupting the conversation" - love it! Don't think that requires surgery, more like it deserves a "well done"! (Wish I did it more often)

@ Steve: What a great analogy, my friend. That's exactly what happens to me at the cinema. About biases: I couldn't agree more.

[Pete Aldin]

Sorry, Tim, I meant "Therapy" not surgery. (I shouldn't talk to my wife and type comments at the same time - I don't communicate with anyone properly doing that!)

[dave]

Welcome Peter! It is most evident that you bring not only an awareness to bias but an awareness to life.

"When I’m aware of my bias, I do my best to suspend judgment."

Trying to suspend judgment is my favorite, and if successful, most rewarding part.

[April Groves]

"In the absence of truth, lies flourish. In the absence of information, anxiety writes the script."

Love this. I had to read it over a few times before I commented to get my thoughts in order about why it spring boarded in my lap.

The fact is that when bill paying is comissioned by contracts and clients and not a salary, that anxiety that you speak of is too real.

For me (and I am not even sure if you intended it this way), that statement was more of a call to action than anything else. It is a call to be confident in your own truths and what you know to be true so that self defeatism (lies) and paralyzing fear (anxiety) don't take over.

Thanks so much for taking the time out to make my day better!

[Benjamin Bach]

Peter, thanks so much for sharing with us. What a great piece !