Confessions About a Cuppa

Each night, a little after our dinner, and usually as we settle down to relax, SweetP (Love of my Life) makes us both a cup of tea/coffee.  It’s a nightly ritual, the kind of ritual that happens in many homes. maybe even yours.

I enjoy the cuppa.  I like being waited on.  It gives me a break.  Now,  I must confess that most nights, I barely notice it happening.  But, I certainly take for granted that it will. 

It’s a gesture of love on SweetP’s part.  However, I don’t especially feel “Loved” for receiving it.  If I’m honest, it's a gesture that rolls off me, like water off a duck’s back! (Hmm, I’m definitely portraying myself badly here!)

However if, over our cuppa, SweetP began a conversation, then that would be entirely different.  If he was sharing with me his feelings about his boss’ management style, or asking for my opinions on a family dilemma, then I’d feel cherished and extraordinarily special.

Why?  Because to me, quality conversations are my life’s breath!  Acts of service, like the night-time cuppa, don’t refuel my “love tank”, but a quality conversation will have me feeling loved in seconds!

This isn’t about gratitude, or lack of it.  This is about a crystal clear, laser-directed, message of love.

Getting the Message Across

If I want to ensure that SweetP knows how much I love him, and take the shortest path to helping fill his love tank, then I just need to sit next to him on the couch, put my head on his shoulder, and hold his hand or stroke his arm!

How did I make those discoveries? 

By reading a book – Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.

Even SweetP, a man who reads about one book every 3 or 4 years, has whipped through this book, chuckled at the stories, and said “WOW” a few times.

What’s the Point?

“Love Languages” I hear you dubiously muttering!  “What’s the point?”

Perhaps we should try looking at this from another angle.

How do you feel when you travel to a country which speaks a different language to your own?  Many people in that situation can eventually feel alone and a bit isolated.

Imagine being in that country and having a crisis happen, (eg getting sick or losing your passport)?  THAT’S downright frightening! When you’re desperate, the sound of someone speaking your native tongue is like a gift from the gods, and relief washes over you.

Chapman has a simple premise.  Just like we all have a dominant speaking language, we also all have a primary love language.  That language is the shortest route to a heart-nurturing sense of feeling loved.  Armed with the conviction that we really are loved and lovable, relief washes over us.

And in times of crisis when we most need the support of our partner, that message needs to be delivered crystal clear and hitting the target with laser-like precision.

Let’s Get on With Lerrvvin’

There is no question that for humans, feeling loved is a primary human NEED.  It’s a need only marginally less important to us than food and shelter.

So I figured that sharing with you a book about love might just build your emotional intelligence and the pleasure in your life!  After all if you need love, you might as well get as much as you can!

This is one of those books that has stood the test of time.  Written back in 1992, Chapman explores a surprisingly simple and extraordinarily effective premise.  The quick real-life-stories (and don’t we always relate best to them?) help the reader identify their own love language and that of their partner.

This book never seems to go out of print, and it’s in every local library.  When you ask around, many people have read it or at least heard of it!  Why?  Because it gets talked about and persistently requested.  That says something!  This is no esoteric, psychology book, this is simply teaching a really useful skill!

While it could be perceived as a bit “daggy” *(uncool), it’s a book with a simple message, an easy style, and excellent word-of-mouth referral history! 

So Who’s the Book For?

This is for building relationships with ANYONE.

While the book is aimed at couples, once you can recognize the five languages, this is SO applicable across any medium to long term relationships.  So, your kids, your friends and family, your work colleagues, all of them could benefit from your new knowledge.  It’s real gold!

Why Bother?

We all do things for our partners, or people we care about, to show our affection.  But if they don’t perceive our gestures as loving then, despite our best efforts and endless reassurances, their love tank can end up out of fuel.  Just like your car without fuel grinds to a noisy halt, so too can our relationship end up going nowhere!

Most couples have different primary love languages.  So, if we don’t bother to learn our partner’s love language and insist on following our natural inclination to express love in our OWN language then, love will likely shrivel and die.

If you value your relationship then I reckon it’s worth spending some time on this book!  It has definitely got long-term and tangible benefits.

Virtually every couple I work with in my Relationship Coaching practice is advised to go and read this book!  I have yet to find someone who doesn’t have some kind of “aha” moment and new understanding of their relationship from reading it.

I suspect it’s no accident that the book has spawned a whole series of Five Languages.  There are versions for Teens, for Men, for Women, for Singles, for Families and now most recently the Five Languages of Apology.  That’s next on my Reading List.

* If you've never heard the word "daggy" before, then you need to spend some time with a few Aussies!  A true "dag" is an unpleasant bit of leftover "stuff" stuck in the sheep's wool near it's backside.  (Need we say more?)  However being a dag in modern Aussie idiom is to be quaintly and appealingly naive, old-fashioned, and definitely uncool!

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Chris Owen of Pink Apple is an Aussie-based Relationship Specialist and blogger who shares the Secrets to Successful Relating.  Her humourous style brings many readers to her blogs Take A Bite and Apple Tart.

Together with Karen Wallace she has also co-authored Save Our Xmas Sanity a pre-Christmas Must-Have for all frazzled women!

Comments

[Steve Sherlock]

Chris, I can smell the cuppa brewing. How do you take yours? I wish I knew. I'd put one together now and re-read this posting to have that good conversation we all look for, even if it is virtual and from miles away. Thank you!

[David Zinger]

Chris:

I enjoyed the book and think we need to understand the languages.

Humor and Playfulness are my number #1 signature strengths. I know my lanaguage of love is humor. Most people who know me also know this is my language and it works very well. Every so often I must let a person know about my language preference and also not use that language is they don't understand it. Why speak in Latin to someone who doesn't know it.

David

[Rosa Say]

This makes so much sense to me Chris, that love has a language of its own, just as aloha does. This book will be on my list to leaf through the next time I'm in a bookstore, for I am curious about reading it through my aloha-colored glasses.