Inspired by Rosa's Mahalo November theme of Appreciation, Gratitude and Thankfulness, I offer this contribution. I was going to write about 5 things I'm grateful for, but it got too long and too deep. I had to stop before I wrote a whole book! Once again, Rosa, and the wonderful group of writers here at JJL have inspired and encouraged me to write more personally than I ever have.
___________________
At this point in my life I have so many wonderful things to be grateful for -- My wonderful husband, comfortable home, loyal friends, work that I love, good health, and my 3 precious cats. These are the EASY things to appreciate. But to get where I am today, I had to get through some really tough experiences. These are the things that are not only difficult to be grateful for, they were difficult to forgive. It would have been easy to become bitter about them, and even now they are difficult to write about, but I'm stepping out of my comfort zone in hopes of inspiring you to think about how grateful you might be for the difficult challenges you have faced or may be facing. Not that you would have wished for them to happen, but that you can find the positive learning in them. So here are a couple of really difficult things I've learned to be grateful for because of how they shaped me into who I am today.
1. PAINFUL RELATIONSHIPS
Before I met my husband at the age of 40, I was engaged to be married 5 times! Most of these engagements ended because I caught them cheating on me. One I ended because of physical violence as well as cheating. Another I ended because of emotional abuse and cheating. One ended because he realized that he did not want to be married to someone who had a more advanced education or made more money than he did!
These were extremely painful experiences, but each time I somehow found the strength to forgive, learn what I had to learn about human nature, and move on. I can't say I learned to "trust". It was more like I decided to accept the risk that bad things might happen again. But, each time, I learned more about what NOT to put up with in a relationship. I learned not to fall so easily for the "charming" guys.
Ultimately, I learned the best lesson of all, how to appreciate a man who had integrity, kindness, and loyalty - even if he wasn't the "suave" kind of guy I was used to. I wasn't initially attracted to my husband because he was quiet, a little shy, and nervous around me. But we became friends and as I got to really know him, I found the most caring, loyal and kindhearted man I've ever known. He is an engineer and so secure in his own intelligence, that he actually loves that I'm as smart as he is and can beat him at Scrabble. With him, I have learned what it's like to truly "trust" and have faith in another human being. It was such a new experience for me.
So yes, it was worth learning to forgive and even become grateful for all the painful relationships I've had. Now, I can really appreciate the value of a "nice guy". To make sure we don't forget how lucky we are, we make it a ritual to wake up and go to sleep every day expressing how grateful we are for each other, our home and all of our blessings.
2. PAINFUL CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES
Painful may be an understatement for what I went through as the oldest of 5 kids growing up in the tough Boston suburb of Brockton, Mass. My father was an alchoholic who regularly got physically violent with my mother, brothers and sister. I'm so grateful that when I was about 8, he finally disappeared and never came back to harm us again. My mother was a substance abuser who regularly took out her anger and frustration on my brothers and sister. I won't even get into the problems we had with the husbands and boyfriends she brought into our lives after my father finally left us alone. Most of my childhood was spent trying to make sense out of the chaos and trying to keep my brothers and sister safe.
When I lived with my mother, we had to move so often it made my head spin. Eventually, I was in a foster home for a while when I was 13. I ultimately ran away when I was 14 and vowed never to live with my mother again. For a while, I lived with my best friend's family and then I became a live-in nanny for a single mom who believed in my potential and was more of a mom to me than my own mother had ever been. Without getting into the details of all the places I lived as a teen, suffice to say I'm forever grateful to those who taught me that people can be amazingly kind and giving.
My college years in Florida were plagued with one crisis after another in which I had to take time out to take care of my brothers and sister on a regular basis. Somehow I survived those years in Florida, and then I moved to NJ in 1985. I left from 89 - 92 to work and live in the Chicago area with Arthur Andersen, but starting over yet again proved to be too painful and I wanted to come back to the friends and "adopted" family I had in New Jersey.
My dream had always been to create a stable home for myself, and I finally did when I decided to put down roots in NJ in 1992 and STAY PUT! I've been in the same community of Montclair / Bloomfield ever since. I am so forever grateful to my husband, and to the friends and adopted family I have here for giving me the support and inner sense of security that enabled me to take the leap and start my organizing business.
I am also so grateful to my Grandmother with whom I spent as much time as I could as a child. She taught me to value learning and to know the difference between right and wrong. She instilled in me a strong work ethic and strong sense of responsibility. She made me believe I could achieve anything if I determined to do it and didn't give up.
She was completely different from my mother. From 1941 when her husband left her, she raised 9 kids by herself and owned and ran a halfway home for Veterans. She was one of the strongest and smartest women I've ever known and probably was the greatest influence on me. She helped me believe in myself by giving me lots of work to do in her business. She taught me that I could overcome anything, and have the life I wanted, IF I wanted it badly enough and IF I worked hard enough for it. She instilled in me the desire to learn and become educated so that I didn't repeat my mother's life.
I'll save the rest of the details of my childhood for someday when I'm ready to write a book about it, but for now, I just want to express how grateful I am for how these experiences shaped my ability to forgive and to have extraordinary compassion for people living in chaos and depression. I can work with people without judgement, and with an empathy that can only come from having been through it yourself. I am so grateful for the strong intuition, street smarts, and self-confidence I developed because I was able to survive chaos and create the life I dreamed of so often as a kid. It took me till I was in my 40's to really forgive and become grateful for my life, but better late than never! : )
I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I spent dreaming that someday I would find work that I could be really passionate about. That I would be able to help people not be victims of their circumstances. And now I get to do that every day. I get such a profound joy every time I experience someone letting go of insecurity, resentment and anger, and learning to not only forgive but accept and appreciate themselves for who they are. I get such an intense sense of hopefulness every time I get to be part of someone's process of letting go of the past, reframing their sense of who they are, and learning to believe in their own ability to not only get organized, but to create the life they want for themselves.
So yes. I'm now actually grateful for my painful childhood and relationship experiences because it forced me to learn how to let go of my own rage, resentment and even the clutter I held on to to remind me of who I was and where I'd been. It made me tolerant, compassionate, able to inspire and motivate others to go for what they really want, and uniquely able to appreciate every little good thing I have in my life. At Thanksgiving time and every day.
I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving with many blessings to count!
_______________________________________________
Ariane Benefit, M.S.Ed, Organizing Coach, is the founder of Neat & Simple Professional Organizers. She specializes in helping people create the homes & offices of their dreams! She is the author of the popular organizing and decluttering blog, Neat & Simple Living, and a 30 page e-book on home office organizing.
Even though we remain happily committed to our no-gift-buying decision, we put up a Christmas tree as usual, mostly wanting to savor the ornament collection we’ve grown over the years. As I got ready for bed late Friday evening I stepped behind the tree to turn off the lights and found a wrapped gift there addressed to me from my daughter. I asked her “what gives?” and she replied that when cleaning her room she found a book I’d lent to her several years ago to read. She knew it had been one of my favorites, and thought that I’d enjoy rediscovering it again for myself on Christmas morning. I’ve given her many of my books to read over the years, and so I have no idea which one it is… such a mystery, and such sweet anticipation; Tuesday morning can’t come soon enough for me!
This is a contribution to our JJL theme this month, Learning to Give, and Learning to Receive. 
Tim Milburn approaches life a lot like he approaches presents,
enthusiastically moving past the surface of things so that he can get
to the heart of the matter. He dedicates much of his time to developing
student leaders through his blog and resources at 
Recent Comments